"Remember she has weird belly button hair"

Yesterday I found an old journal of mine. I started reading it and I was (one, embarrassed) a little bit in shock. If you had asked me what kind of 9 year old I was I would have told you I was a typical kid- played with dolls, loved my bike, wanted every dog I saw (somethings never change), and all in all I was a sweet kid. Whoa, I would have lied to you. After reading a few entries I couldn't believe some of the things I had written. In fact, sweet was not the word I would use at all. Sure I was sweet to my friends, family (most of the time), teachers, and so on; but I was so harsh and mean to someone really special- myself. I wrote about how horrible I looked and how ugly I was. I said that my new hair cut didn't help change the fact that I was "just as ugly as ever". That's not to say today that I am completely happy with my appearance and I wouldn't change a thing, but I definitely value myself more now. I would never put myself down like that today. If I could go see my 9 year old self I would tell her these things: 1)Everyone is awkward, even the people you think are the prettiest. One day you will look at most people you think are gorgeous and perfect now and you will wonder why you thought they were so much better than you. Very few will still be as awesome as you think they are now in 10 years. 2) God loves you so much and He does not want you to think that His precious girl is hideous. 3) Your mom thinks you are the most beautiful thing that ever walked the planet. This will never change. She is wrong, you will never be THE PRETTIEST GIRL ALIVE, but you are NOT ugly. 4) You are your toughest critic. No one sees the worst in you like you see it, in fact they probably don't even notice it at all. 5) The people you want to look like are probably wishing they looked like someone else. You don't see their flaws, just like they probably don't see yours. 6) Confidence is the most important thing. If you walk around and can't stand to be yourself, everyone can feel that. If you don't like yourself why should anyone else? I wish I could tell her all of these things. I do wonder if I had more confidence back then if I would have tried something brave. I'm not sure why I didn't have confidence- I mean, yes, I was extremely awkward and sometimes looked like a boy, but going through old yearbooks so did everyone else! My parents never missed an opportunity to tell me how wonderful I was or how beautiful I was, but no one believes their parents. I don't think the media had much to do with it. I mean I loved Mary Kate and Ashley, but I don't remember looking at magazines and idolizing models. I was never bullied in school (Thank you, classmates for letting me have my awkward stage sans bullying). It makes me wonder which girls out there today are looking at other girls wishing they could look like that girl. I bet in a decent size classroom you would easily find two girls wishing they could look like the other one and they don't even know it. Again, let me say that I still have self doubt a lot of days and I always will. My best friend is supermodel tall and (a healthy) supermodel skinny, while I am short and I feel like a tree stump, but it's ok because she has insecurities I wouldn't want to deal with. I know I have some that she doesn't have to worry about. If you find someone who never has a self conscious moment you can go ahead and call them a liar. Now when I see someone I think is prettier than me I just look at their make up or their style- is it something I can wear differently or a make up trick I can try? If not then that's ok. They are naturally more attractive than me; no problem. I know they struggle with their own demons and I like to think that they have some weird belly button hair just to make myself feel better. Maybe that person isn't as nice or as giving as you are? Maybe they are! Maybe they really do have it all, including the perfect belly button. And here's the good news- You look the best when it matters most! When you're a kid you're playing in dirt and scrapping knees up- who needs to be supermodel gorgeous during all that? When you're a teen you look way better than you did in middle school! You are going on your first dates, but not looking to get married yet, and you still live with your parents and they still tell you how great you look in that stupid school uniform! In your 20's and 30's you will look your best (provided you weren't in your 20's and 30's in the 80's-sorry mom- just kidding, my mom was only a toddler in the 80's duh!). You are moving out of your parents house (leaving behind the daily reassurance), you are getting the important jobs, you are making your lifetime friends, you are probably going to date someone you will marry, and then you will most likely get married sometime in there. So, do you want your yearbook picture to be your best or your wedding pictures? That being said- I hope you don't spend your 20's wishing you looked like someone else, and if you do then just remember she has weird belly button hair!

Trial Run

Hello! I have decided to jump on the blog train! We will see how it goes! I have a lot of thoughts and I don't want to clog up people's facebook feed with them. This way I still get to share my thoughts with anyone who actually cares to read them (even if I am the only one).